You Make Me Feel Bad!
Posted: Monday, January 26, 2009
by Emma James
Emma James Therapy and Training
Are you at cause or at effect?
Do you give excuses and reasons for not doing things? Have you ever said "he/she MAKES me feel bad"?
Well that is about as at effect as you can get.
Being at effect is pretty much finding many reasons to blame our own reactions and behaviours on. We frequently blame others and events for our not achieving and when you do this then you are at "effect".
It is based on the fact that you create everything that happens in your world.
No one else can react to something for you you have to do it yourself.
No one MAKES you feel a certain way, you choose to react that way.
Some may argue that other's actions and situations MAKE us feel a certain way. Unfortunately, no one holds us down on the ground kicking and screaming and injects us with feeling bad, frustrated, guilty, shameful etc. Those reactions can only be made and produced by us so ultimately we are completely responsible for how we react to anything and everything.
The one problem with this theory is that we are all human.
Being "at cause" is a wonderful place to be as all the negative emotion we take on board is firmly handed back to the place it belongs and in a way this is liberation or in NLP speak "personal power".
We do need to sometimes be human and there are times when you want to be completely at "effect" and have a rant for five minutes and leap up and down. That is perfectly fine as long as you make the decision that you are being at effect, have a great time and enjoy it AND THEN move to cause.
If someone else has issues, if they are reacting in a way which does not please you then look at their model of the world, look at your own communication, look at ways you can change this and if there is nothing you can do and this is the other person's issue then move to cause and decide that you are not taking their "stuff" on.
There are ways of ensuring you are able to step out of that being at effect state and blaming everyone else for how you feel or putting cause wrongly outside of yourself onto others. So many times we get caught up in what others have "done" to us and we are of course blameless! When you have a sneaking suspicion that your own behaviour has in some way contributed to the onset of unreasonable behaviour then you may need to consider what boundaries you have set up for yourself and whether the people or person you are dealing with were in fact supposed to be mind readers and know not to cross those boundaries.
It's amazing what people don't actually know if you don't tell them!
BIO
The director of Emma James Training Ltd is Emma James (amazingly!) who is a trainer of NLP, Hypnosis and Master TLT but also a Master Practitioner in all three therapies. Originally from Northern Ireland she has the drive and passion to constantly prove that NLP works, not only in her sport and coaching of others, but in therapy at her clinic and also in business application, taking people to levels they didnt think were possible. www.emmajames.net
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